Lessons Learned on Balance and Boundaries

While this blog is tailored for school leaders, its insights will resonate with leaders across various fields. It’s a reflection on my journey, spanning two phases of executive headship, a three-year “break” to have children and establish a business, and the lessons I learned along the way.

This is a story of growth, resilience, and learning. Like so many leadership journeys, it’s in no way a straight line - there were twists and turns along the way. Ultimately, I hope this blog conveys a powerful truth: we have more within us to create sustainable and fulfilling work lives than we often realise.

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Phase 1: Diving In

In my first role as a headteacher and later as an executive head, I was thrown in at the deep end. Leading one school, then two, in challenging circumstances within an area of high deprivation, I was driven by an unwavering commitment to the children and school communities. I was living out my purpose and felt deeply fulfilled by my work. In fact, it rarely felt like work, even though 60+ hour weeks were my norm. Weekends were often for catching up on work or low-key recharging, while holidays became a time for outdoor adventures, fun, family, and friends.

While I loved my work and rarely felt “stressed,” the pressures of headship were constant. As Bessel van der Kolk says, “The body keeps the score.” After experiencing several miscarriages in my early 30s - and with both schools achieving “Good” Ofsted ratings - I made the difficult decision to step away from headship and focus on myself and my family.

Six months later, I had established a thriving part-time business as an EAL and leadership consultant and welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world. Over the next three years, I learned to balance work and family life by setting strict boundaries and confidently saying no to projects that infringed on precious family time.

The Gift of Time

This time away from headship was transformative. I discovered how to structure my life on my terms. Working with over 100 schools, including secondary and special schools, provided invaluable insights into teaching, learning, and leadership. This period of immense growth reinforced the value of stepping back to recalibrate priorities, reflect, and learn. If you’re considering such a shift or career side-step, I wholeheartedly encourage you to give it serious thought—if circumstances allow.

After the birth of my daughter, my husband became the primary carer. I wrapped up my business and returned to executive headship, fully recharged and ready for new challenges. With a renewed appreciation for family time, I approached this next phase with stricter boundaries.

Phase 2: Setting Boundaries

Returning to headship with two young children (and two dogs!) required a new approach. I prioritized being a hands-on parent, ensuring I was present for bedtimes and weekends filled with family fun. I limited evening and weekend work and protected blocks of time within the working day. While some leaders prefer early mornings to tackle emails, I found that a regular 5–6 pm slot worked best for me.

Daily dog walks, ideally in the early morning, helped me maintain physical health, gain mental clarity, and kick-start my day. Parenthood also helped me switch off from work more effectively and approach challenges with fresh eyes each day.

Short breaks during the workday became another essential strategy. I often used these moments to chat with pupils or thank staff. These interactions kept me grounded, recharged my energy while boosting morale and providing invaluable firsthand insights into our work’s impact.

Leading with Flexibility and Resilience

As an executive head overseeing multiple schools, I learned the importance of situational leadership. Each school had unique needs, and tailoring my approach to fit their contexts was often challenging but always rewarding. I came to see these challenges as learning opportunities, with my values and principles keeping me grounded.

One significant lesson was learning to define the controllable and uncontrollable. Early in my career, I expended a great deal of mental energy on frustrations I couldn’t influence. Looking back, recognising this distinction sooner would have saved me both time and stress.

Then came COVID-19. Like many, I juggled work and parenting as my two nursery-aged children were home during the first lockdown. This period taught me the value of working with inspiring individuals and, ironically, highlighted the freedom for creativity and innovation that the pandemic provided. In 2020, I requested a four-day workweek to be more present for my son, who was starting reception. Though it wasn’t always smooth, this period reinforced the importance of flexibility in sustaining both work and family life.

In my work, I learned the importance of creating systems that could adapt to the unpredictability of each day. The reality of leadership often meant that the carefully planned "to-do list" might not get completed. Accepting the messiness of the job and the need to prioritise in the moment allowed me to be kinder to myself when certain tasks remained unfinished.

Focusing on developing others became even more critical when managing multiple schools. By fostering a culture of empowerment, where people actively listened to one another and tackled challenging issues together, leadership was shared within a psychologically safe environment. This approach had numerous benefits. Not only was I able to avoid taking on tasks that weren’t mine, but it also created a more positive and impactful workplace for everyone involved.

Lessons in Boundaries

By September 2021, I was back full-time, managing three very different schools while navigating the ongoing effects of COVID-19 on staff, students, and families. It was an incredibly challenging period, especially with Ofsted back and pushing for “business as usual.” The reality was anything but.

On a personal level, the weight of this responsibility, ongoing absences, and my own high standards became unsustainable. My boundaries were crumbling. Recognising this, I had an honest conversation with the Trust CEO and requested to focus on the one school where I was most needed. This pivotal moment underscored the importance of honesty and redefining parameters.

Moving Forward

Refocusing on one school restored my balance, and I feel genuinely proud of my ability to step back and manage what had been a dance with burnout. I regained control and got back on track.

However, six months later, several significant challenges collided, including the breakdown of my marriage. This prompted me to reassess my path again. After a part-time secondment within the Trust, I decided to set up my own business again. This decision has allowed me to contribute to education from the “outside in,” a role I remain truly passionate about, while enjoying the autonomy and flexibility my family and I need.

Key Takeaways

Reflecting on the past 15 years, I’m struck by the sheer amount of change, some within my control and some not. Through my coaching with school leaders, I’ve learned I’m certainly not alone in navigating changes and specifically the balance between making a difference to others and prioritising self-care. For me I know it will be a continual journey of resetting as my circumstances change and I know there'll be much more learning ahead.

So here are 10 lessons I’ve learned so far:

1. Define what is important to you.

2. Set and reset your boundaries.

3. Focus your efforts on what you can control.

4. Establish working system than can flex

5. Learn how to switch off from work.

6. Reframe challenges as opportunities.

7. Learn to say no and ask for what you need.

8. Empower others to lead and do great work.

9. Establish health routines that work for you—and stick to them.

10. Take time to reflect, think, and invest in yourself.

    
    

Over to You…

What lessons have you learned on your journey?

What are your boundaries?

My name is Tamara. I help school leaders lead themselves and others in ways that are impactful, joyful, and sustainable. If you’d like support on your boundary-setting journey, please get in touch.