Collaborating with Those we Dislike at Work and at Home

This is the first of two blogs inspired by Adam Kahane’s timely second edition of Collaborating with the Enemy: How to Work with People You Don’t Agree With or Like or Trust. It draws on some reflections from my personal life; the follow-up blog will focus more on work and systems leadership.

I am a strong believer that our work and personal lives are not separate. How we show up in the world is deeply entwined, and the skills we draw on in one part of our lives inevitably shape how we navigate the other. That belief is why I am sharing a personal story here: my experience of co‑parenting while navigating a tricky divorce. My reflections throughout and the 7- point summary at the end show the learning that is relevant to both personal and work relationships.

In many respects, “collaborating with the enemy” feels like language that is too strong in this personal context. And yet, there are definite parallels. I suspect many people who have found themselves in similar situations will recognise this all too well. When trust is fragile, emotions are high, and the outcomes matter deeply, collaboration is hard.

However, how we manage personal relationships can offer powerful insight into how we manage complex relationships more broadly, as well as opportunities for growth in how we relate to others. My hope is that these reflections are useful to you, not as answers, but as prompts for your own thinking and learning.

Why this topic, and why now?

Increasingly, I find myself concerned about what is happening in the world and what it means for us all, especially for our children. The level of polarisation we are living with is likely provoking strong emotions in many of us. Our responses are often very human: fight, flight, freeze, or perhaps something closer to being an ostrich, burying our heads in the sand.

Many of us simply don’t have the headspace to engage with what is happening beyond our immediate lives, and some are wisely boundaried in this respect. However, learning how to collaborate with people we do not agree with, like, or trust may be a skill we could all do with developing. It is not an easy skill, but it is an increasingly necessary one. And learning it can take place very close to home.

To collaborate or not to collaborate?

Collaboration can be exhausting and, at times, potentially fruitless. There are real pros and cons to collaborating with people who are very different from us. Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it: the gains may not justify the emotional energy required, or the wider implications of collaboration may feel too great. There is always a choice in how we collaborate and often there is a choice in whether we collaborate at all.

We are sometimes drawn away from collaboration because difference feels threatening. It can feel risky to dig below the surface, and many of us don’t feel equipped to manage what we might find there. One of the most important questions to ask is this: what is the value of what we are working towards, and is it possible to collaborate in pursuit of something that matters to both of us?

A personal example: co‑parenting after divorce

Many people who have co‑parented following separation or divorce will recognise the challenge of collaborating with someone you do not agree with, like, or trust. It is an experience I would rather not have had, and it was one of the most personally demanding periods of my life. And, like many hard experiences, it has also been a powerful teacher.

The emotional energy required to navigate this terrain, while keeping the needs of my children at the centre, cannot be underestimated. Professionally, people often comment that I am calm in a crisis. Exercising that same steadiness in my personal life was far harder.

How did collaboration become possible?

For me, collaboration began with a clear understanding of the consequences of not collaborating. Through my work with children who have experienced the impact of ongoing open parental conflict, I knew that I wanted to avoid my children being exposed to high levels of conflict between their parents, if at all possible. That clarity anchored me when emotions ran high.

I acknowledge that my children’s dad is largely non‑confrontational in character, which helped, and that not everyone is so fortunate. Some in this situation, unlike me, have had little choice but to walk away from collaboration and it is important to remember that co-parenting is a relationship between at least two people. Sometimes, the choice not to collaborate is the best choice and as we come onto boundaries are very important.

This blog and the reflections offered are in relation to my personal circumstances and I am going to start with a term coined by Adam Kahane called ‘enemyfying’: the very human tendency to see those we are in conflict with as the enemy. The pull towards which I felt on many occasions and came to understand not a moral failing but as something deeply human. This idea reminds me of the Karpman Drama Triangle, originally developed in the world of social work by Dr Stephen Karpman to help people understand the dysfunctional roles we can slip into when dealing with conflict. These dynamics show up clearly in both personal relationships and workplaces. Building awareness of them can help people move from being stuck to moving forward more constructively.

As a new co‑parent in an emotionally volatile situation, I could feel myself being drawn into the drama triangle and into enemyfying my children’s dad. Rather than judging myself for these feelings, or getting increasingly pulled in (which was not easy), I tried to notice them and make sense of what was happening.

I made deliberate efforts to understand what might be going on for him, while also giving myself the space and tools to process my own emotions. I did not get this right all the time –and, in honesty, I still don’t. Learning to be compassionate with myself when I ‘messed up’ became part of the work.

Self‑awareness and self‑regulation were not abstract concepts here; they felt like survival skills. I drew on my learning from working with children and supporting them to self‑regulate.

The concept of rupture and repair is also important. As Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst write in their excellent book Smart Conflict, “even if a hard conversation goes wrong, most conflicts can be repaired. It is what you do afterwards that matters.” In this co‑parenting relationship, walking away was not an option, so rupture and repair became a fairly regular occurrence. What I have learned is the importance of being intentional after rupture.

Boundaries matter. I often speak about boundaries in the context of work-life balance, but they are just as important in relationships. Being clear about what matters to you and what you need is essential. Establishing boundaries, albeit with some flexibility,  is a valuable starting point.

We are often reluctant to seek support but it is utterly vital when managing emotionally demanding work- but not all support is equal. I was fortunate to have friends and family who could empathise without inflaming the situation. I was grateful for this, and I also made conscious choices to distance myself from voices that were not helping me move forward productively.

If any of this sounds easy, it hasn’t been. It has been a hard process, requiring effort on both ‘sides’. Ultimately, this collaboration exists because my children’s dad and I share a vested interest in its success: the wellbeing of our children. That does not make it easy, but it does make it possible.

The vested interest is important. What is the commonality that is worth collaborating over, even when it is hard?

Some reflections if you are considering collaboration with someone you find difficult

If you find yourself in a position where you can see value in collaborating with someone you do not like, agree with, or trust, these reflections may help:

• Consider the cost and the potential benefit. What might become possible if the collaboration works and is that outcome worth the emotional investment?

• Seek to understand other perspectives. What might you learn if you stand back and genuinely try to understand how the situation looks from the other person’s point of view?

• Clarify your boundaries. What do you need in order to stay well and grounded and where might some flexibility be possible?

• Let go of the need for full alignment. What would ‘good enough’ collaboration look like if complete agreement isn’t realistic?

• Take it one step at a time. What is the next step, however small, you could take that could result in progress?

• Attend to your own self‑regulation. What support or self‑care do you need to sustain yourself through emotionally demanding work?

• Plan for rupture and repair. If things go wrong, how might you restore the relationship rather than abandon the effort altogether?

  
  

In my next blog, I will explore how these same dynamics show up in professional settings, particularly in systems leadership, where collaborating with people we don’t agree with, like, or trust is often unavoidable and potentially transformative.

My name is Tamara Zaple Rolfs. I help people work well together to drive positive change. Do get in touch if you'd like to find out more about how we can collaborate, connect or work together. www.my-delta.co.uk tamara@my-delta.co.uk