Collaborating Through Difference: A Courageous Leadership Skill

When can tough collaboration be worth it, in order to solve hard and important problems?How can we work with people we dislike, in order to do good work?

Sometimes we resist collaboration with people we dislike, distrust, or fundamentally don’t agree with. That resistance is human. But increasingly, in our workplaces and wider systems, we don’t have the luxury of only working with people we like or feel aligned with. If we are serious about solving complex, high-stakes problems, in education, organisations and society, then we need to get better at understanding our own reactions to “unlike others” and building the skills to collaborate anyway.

My last blog drew on my experiences of co-parenting after divorce, and what that taught me about collaborating when it felt deeply personal and emotionally charged.

This blog is about something slightly different: collaborating with people we don’t have a personal relationship with; colleagues, stakeholders, leaders, partners, where there may be mistrust, clashing values, power imbalances or simply strong dislike.

I’ve been reading Collaborating with the Enemy by Adam Kahane, and it has sent me down a rabbit hole of reflection:

• When have I had to work with people I didn’t want to?

• What made it hard?

• When did it still matter to do it anyway?

• And when was walking away the right choice?

  
  

I’m increasingly convinced that there is value in learning how to work with people you don’t necessarily like and that this only works if you are also clear on boundaries. Knowing when to lean in, when to hold firm and when to walk away is part of mature, courageous leadership.

For me, this work has two layers:

• The inner work – how you emotionally manage discomfort, frustration, threat or resentment.

• The outer work – the practical skills of collaboration, influence, listening and navigating power and difference.

Before I get into the practical tips, a story that has stayed with me for over a decade.

What extreme collaboration taught me

In 2009, I spent two short but incredible weeks in Rwanda, working with teachers and national education leaders on developing a national SEN strategy to increase inclusion. What I received from that experience far outweighed what I gave.

While there, I visited the Kigali Genocide Memorial. One image has never left me: a large glass wall filled with shoes, many belonging to children. But what stayed with me most powerfully was not only the trauma of what this beautiful country had endured, but the realisation that hope can be crafted even from the very worst of humanity.

Hope, I learned, does not happen by accident. It is built, intentionally, painstakingly and imperfectly. It involves discomfort, setbacks and extraordinary courage. In many ways, Rwanda’s recovery has required a national-scale version of what Kahane would call collaborating with the enemy. Division does not get much deeper than genocide. And yet, what I witnessed was a country engaged in brave, aspirational work, from inclusive education reform (that, honestly, we in the UK could still learn from) to environmental policies such as banning plastic bags.

One thing I was told at the time was that identifying as Hutu or Tutsi was actively discouraged. This was a deliberate attempt to prevent the re-emergence of hatred fuelled by categorisation, much of it historically exacerbated by colonial rule. Something I will never forget was that collective sense that, having seen the worst, there was a shared commitment to building something better.

My biggest learning from Rwanda was this: We often underestimate what is possible when people commit to working together through deep difficulty. The odds were stacked against them: limited resources, profound trauma, broken trust, and yet there was a seriousness of purpose that has on many occasions since led me to think: we are not always ambitious enough in what we believe we can achieve together.

Since then, I’ve often noticed my own frustration in professional contexts, when the bar feels set too low, when compliance replaces purpose, when “good” becomes good enough, and we stop asking what is really possible if we worked differently together.

Why this matters in the workplace

Most of us are not navigating post-conflict nations. But many of us are working in high-pressure, hierarchical systems where:

• Power dynamics are real

• Stakes are high

• Trust is fragile

• And not everyone shares the same values, priorities or ways of working

  
  

In these environments, avoiding difficult relationships is understandable, but it can also be costly. Innovation, systemic change and meaningful improvement almost always require us to engage across difference.When I’ve mentioned Kahane’s work to leaders I coach and work with, the response is often:“I need that book.” Because nearly everyone can think of that person, the one they avoid, resent, don’t trust, or feel blocked by.

So here’s a question:

What might become possible if you leaned into that challenge, skilfully and boundaried, rather than around it?

Kahane talks about embracing both conflict and collaboration. In real workplaces, that looks like this:

Embracing conflict and collaboration: practical leadership moves

1. Normalise conflict as part of progress Not all conflict is bad. In fact, conflict is often essential to solving real problems. When people with different views can find just enough common ground to take one step forward, that is success. Let go of needing full agreement. Think progress, not perfection.

2. Start with genuine curiosity What if you began with: Help me understand how you see this? Seeking to understand doesn’t mean you agree, but it almost always gives you better information. It also signals a willingness to listen, which can lower defensiveness on both sides.

3. Get clear on what’s at stake, for everyone Ask yourself:

• What could be achieved if this collaboration worked?

• What’s in it for me, for them, and for the wider system?

  
  

  Keeping the bigger purpose in view can help you tolerate short-term discomfort.

  
  

4. Manage risk and power consciously Be honest about power dynamics. Know your boundaries. How much risk are you prepared to take? The level of risk varies with context and circumstances. This is often related to power dynamics and so the desire to be courageous also needs to be grounded in realism. Think ahead about potential negative implications and how you can protect yourself and others while still engaging.

5. Take responsibility for your own emotional regulation Collaborating in difficult relationships takes a personal toll. You need ways to discharge stress, frustration, and emotional load so it doesn’t leak into the work.

A small but telling example: A friend recently told me about working for a highly successful but 'toxic' boss. The organisation tolerated the behaviour because the results and clients were lucrative. When I asked how he coped, his answer was simple: “Running. Every day, without fail.”

That is an honest reminder that we each need ways to look after ourselves when collaboration is stressful and emotionally costly.

Being ambitious, not naïve

This isn’t about being endlessly accommodating or putting yourself in harmful situations. It’s about being ambitious, innovative, and boundaried in how we work with others.

Interestingly, this theme is playing out on the global stage too. At Davos last month, Mark Carney spoke about the need for “different coalitions for different issues based on common values and interests.” In other words: not waiting for perfect alignment, but finding enough shared ground to act together on what matters.

That principle applies just as powerfully inside organisations. If we are serious about solving the problems that really matter, staff wellbeing and high standards, retention and performance, innovation and accountability, then we need to raise our expectations of what collaboration can look like.

That’s a big part of my work: helping leaders and teams develop the mindsets, skills, and relational capacity to engage productively across difference: with courage, clarity and compassion.

This is not easy work but the problems we are facing are too important to only work with people we like. What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and if you have any examples of where collaboration across differences was hard but worth it.

My name is Tamara Zaple Rolfs. I help people work well together to drive positive change. Do get in touch if you'd like to find out more about how we can collaborate, connect or work together. www.my-delta.co.uk tamara@my-delta.co.uk